Disclaimer: I wrote this LoL last month and wasn't going to send it on the sheer fact that I think it's really pointless and stupid, but in cleaning out my e-mail, I found it in my drafts folder and decided that all my LoL's are kinda pointless and stupid and if nothing else some of you might find this one mildly entertaining. If you're bored, that is. Really, really bored.... ;)
I bought an air freshener the other day. A seemingly everyday occurrence, yes? No. Well, at least not for me. That is, it should have been a mundane everyday occurrence, but keep in mind, this is The LoL. Here's the Story:
Now that it's summer Tony and I have been doing the whole patio grilling thing for dinner. I'm as much a fan as anyone of summertime burgers, dogs, and brats (said with a Chicago accent to rhyme with "cats") but there's the slight issue that cooking with charcoal leaves our condo with a resultant Mesquite fragrance known to last longer than the time it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. This in itself would not be too extreme a problem except that I've also discovered the joys of Italian cooking. Since I never grew up eating much garlic (my mom's allergic) I've only recently learned how delicious it is to cook with and also how the scent of it could rival post-atomic-war-cockroaches in a longevity contest! Long story short, the problem was that our condo was starting to gain the constant scent of the remnants of a char grilled Italian restaurant. The solution seemed easy enough - buy an air freshener. But that's when the real attack began.
It started at Bath & Body Works. If by some freak accident of modern consumerism none of you have ever been in a B&BW store, chances are you still have your sense of smell. (Men are excluded from the "freak accident of modern consumerism" theory, it's a girly store - although I'm guessing plenty of you Xy-ers have shopped there too...) I was in their store last week and counted at least a dozen different fragrances which means that by today they probably have eighteen or twenty. How can one individual be expected to process that much olfactory information at one time??? I'm serious, they are incessant about coming up with more scents. They're probably the only business that's more psychotic about new product invention than the soft drink industry (Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper - does one drink really need five words in it's name?!??!). But regardless, my condo was suffering in it's aromas of burned vesuvio and somehow I thought that Bath & Body Works might solve the problem. It's there that I had my first encounter with the "RealEssence Mango Mandarin Wallflowers Continuous Home Fragrance Starter Kit" (No joke, that's what it's called!)
I plugged it in as soon as I got home.
At first things were nice. Small wafts of fruity scented air caressed my nose when I woke up in the morning... Images of mangoes on a tropical island paradise gently greeted me after work... But then... it got stronger. And Stronger. And Stronger! After a week it had a mind of it's own - I'd open the door to a full on fruity assault! It was out of control! Then I realized how sneaky the packaging had been by sandwiching "Continuous" into a string of cutesy advertising words to fool the unsuspecting buyer into overlooking the fact that once you bring this Gremlin of an air freshener into your house it's going to take over everything! So I did what any sensible person would do - I fought back! (Okay maybe the sensible people would just unplug it but I might not quite fit into the sensible category and besides, what actually happened makes for a better story.)
I cooked! And not just any normal cooking. I cooked Italian. With garlic. Fresh Garlic - minced AND sautéed. (Okay in all fairness, I wasn't actually crazy enough to cook for the sole purpose of trying to wage war against an air freshener, but I had a really good recipe for pasta with clams in a white wine sauce and it specifically called for fresh garlic minced and sautéed.) By the end of the night VICTORY WAS MINE!! Our condo was once again smelling like Italia! Garlic, oregano, olive oil, white wine - THE WORKS!
Little did I suspect Mango Mandarin was not going down without a fight. I don't remember which scent prevailed the following morning, but after work the next day I came home to the worst scent ever! A truce was reached that neither could be stronger so our entire condo smelled very much like... both. Try if you can to imagine Garlic Mango Italian Oranges. I don't know why people even try to describe scents because if I tried to tell you what Garlic Mango Italian Oranges smell like all I can say is, smelled like Garlic Mango Italian Oranges! In a word, it was BAD.
Open windows and the passage of time were all that cleared the warring aromas from their battlefield. Yet I wonder if that epic clash will ever truly be gone from my mind (supposedly sense of smell is most closely associated with memory and I don't see myslef forgetting the atrocity of that olfactory assault anytime soon). You'll all be relieved to know too that now that it's half empty, the RealEssence Mango Mandarin Wallflowers Continuous Home Fragrance Starter Kit is back to it's original light and non-overpowering fresh scent. And I still shop at Bath & Body. I really don't hate them or their products I just needed a randsane inspiration for my dramatic ravings and my explorations into the world of Sunless Tanning are a little too currently emabarassing to rant about just yet. 99% of this is just satiracal farce. So basically that's my disclaimer saying don't take me too seriously.
"RealEssence Mango Mandarin Wallflowers Continuous Home Fragrance Starter Kit"-fully Yours,
p.s. And the 1% that I actually meant to be serious involves my mom's garlic allergy, soft drink companies being obsessed with new products and the desire to always say "brats" like a true Dit-ka and Bears lovin' Chicagoan, (my friend).
9 months ago