Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Yo, Ho! Yo, Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!

Ahoy there mateys! It be a wonderful time of year once more! Yarrr today be "Talk Like A Pirate Day" again! So whether ye be a buccaneer, a privateer or just another scurvy deck swab here's a top ten tribute to great pirates of the silver screen!

10, 9 and 8) Name: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
Film: Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie
Actors: Larry the Cucumber, Mr. Lunt, Pa Grape
Memorable Pirate Moment: None ...there's a reason they're called The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
Memorable Pirate Quote: "We are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.....and if you ask us, to do anything, we'll just tell you, we don't do anything."
Jolly Roger Rating: 2 - Yarr, they got the right clothes 'n every sailor knows singin' be the key to unity on deck but these salty dogs lose plenty o' points for not doing anything!

7) Name: Blackbeard
Film: Blackbeard's Ghost
Actor: Peter Ustinov
Memorable Pirate Moment: Uhhhh... That would require me having seen this movie in the past decade and a half. Used to watch it a lot as a kid. Yes, my pirate fascination started early.
Memorable Pirate Quote: See Pirate Moment
Jolly Roger Rating: 6.5 - Ahoy! He be a pirate and a ghost and with a name like Blackbeard ye can be bettin' that he's a fiercesome fellow!

6) Name: The Pirate King
Film: The Pirates of Penzance
Actor: Kevin Kline
Memorable Pirate Moments: Swashbuckling, Pillaging, Trickery and of course Singing!
Memorable Pirate Quote: "But I’ll be true to the song I sing, and live and die a Pirate King. For I am a Pirate King! And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King!"
Jolly Roger Rating: 7 - Mess with this King and he'll make ye walk the plank!

4) Name: Captain Hook
Films: Peter Pan (several versions) and Hook
Actor: Dustin Hoffman (in Hook), Jason Issacs (in the 2003 Peter Pan)
Memorable Pirate Moment: Any of many sword fights with Peter Pan
Memorable Pirate Quote: "He'll crow. He'll fight. He'll fly. And then... he'll die." (from Hook)
Jolly Roger Rating: 7.5 - Shiver me timbers, Captain Hook be a villianous scab of a pirate if ever there was one!

5) Name:
Films: Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Actor: Viggo Mortensen
Memorable Pirate Moment: Some may argue that Aragorn is not technically a pirate but the same way actors can win oscars or emmys for minute long scenes in films (*cough cough Judi Dench cough cough*) I'm adding 'Gorny to the list because of his kick-ass swordplay and also the awesome scene in RoTK where he and the army of the dead commandeer Sauron's ships! Now that's Pirate-style!
Memorable Pirate Quote: "What say you?" (To the army of the dead - with the right accent it's very Pirate-ese)
Jolly Roger Rating: 8 - Avast ye mateys here be a leader fit for the seven seas!

3) Name: The Dread Pirate Roberts
Film: The Princess Bride
Actor: Cary Elwes (and for one scene Andre the Giant)
Memorable Pirate Moment: Climbing the Cliffs of Insanity or Storming the Castle Gates (tie)
Memorable Pirate Quote: "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
Jolly Roger Rating: 8.5 - Here be the true secret of infamous pirateering: "Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and he told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts' he said. 'My name is Ryan; I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired 15 years and living like a king in Patagonia.'"

2) Name: One-Eyed Willie
Film: The Goonies
Actor: Senor Skeleton?
Memorable Pirate Moment: He set all those awesome boowy twaps! (You mean booby traps? That's what I said, those awesome boowy twaps!)
Memorable Pirate Quote: Okay so he never actually talks in the film but as Mikey Walsh says, "You know something, Willie? You're the first Goonie."
Jolly Roger Rating: 9.5 - Crack open a chest of dubloons cause Willy here be a pirate of the highest caliberrr.

And who could be a more obvious choice to sail to the number one slot than the master of two great pirate films - soon to grant us the treasure of a third - harr harr, the winner of me pirate movie tribute be non other than....

1) Name: Jack Sparrow
Films: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Dead Man's Chest and coming soon At World's End
Actor: Johnny Depp
Memorable Pirate Moment: Too many to count!
Memorable Pirate Quote: "Captain... Captain Jack Sparrow."
Jolly Roger Rating: 10 - Yo, Ho! Yo, Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me! Drink up me hearties yo, ho!

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