Greetings from the flip side. There's an odd sort of irony to the fact that this is "#13" but I'm calling it "The flip side" to refer to the fact that this isn't necessarily going to follow my usual style of random hilarity. Granted I do still have random things to say but there are times too where I need you all to look a little closer at the serious side of yours truly.
I want to start with a birthday shoutout to the super spiffy Jenny T! Her b-day was actually yesterday but I didn't send this yesterday so happy birthday to her today!! At 19 years old she's also the youngest LoL recipient which is just way cool.
Speaking of birthdays, today November 19th is actually my birthday too. Now I know you're all going to jump on the fact that I already announced turning 22 in September, but today's my spiritual birthday. Four years ago today was when I first committed my life to Christ. You'd think that in those four years I'd have actually figured out how to do something as seemingly simple as live a Christian life but I'm still working on that one.
If there is one thing I've figured out though it's that life's complicated. There's a quote from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets where Dumbledore says "It is our choices, Harry, far more than our abilities that show us who we really are" (I like the way it's stated in the book better than the movie) and I think maybe I'm growing up to the point where I both accept and agree with this. The thing is I don't necessarily like to make choices.
Did anyone else ever read those "Choose Your Own Adventure Books" as a kid? Basically you'd start reading a story and it would be something to the effect of ...you're walking down a road in a forest on your way to an enchanted castle (there was almost always an enchanted castle) and you hear a noise in the bushes off to your right. If you want to check out the bushes to your right flip to page 33 ; if you continue on towards the castle flip to page 18. etc. etc. etc. Thing is, I really liked these books but I'd almost always cheat. I was the one who flipped to pages 18 AND 33 to see which outcome I liked better. You can't do that in life. Once you're on page 18 you're on your way to the castle without ever looking back again at that noise in the bushes off to the right. In a way this makes life simpler - you can live life forward and define it backward. But in a way it makes life crazier - once you've chosen something you have to live with that choice and all the resulting consequences.
I think this is why I take so long to act on choices I make and why often times I let other people decide things for me. I rarely have confidence that what I do is "for the best" and especially when something will actually be better for me, I have an impossible time doing it if it hurts someone else.
To cut to the chase, Mike and I broke up yesterday. It was by no means an easy choice to make, but it was a choice. Please don't respond to this e-mail with how SORRY you are (find SOMETHING else to say). I don't want pity right now, and in many ways I chose this more than he did. It was an area of my life that needed to change. I'm not even going to guess what God's got in store for either of us relationship-wise in the future. I do wish only great things for Mike though, and I believe he really wants what's best for me too. I guess I just need the chance to take a look at my life in a simpler scope right now - to see who I am and what choices I make - without trying to be who other people want me to be or without constantly trying to please others.
So I guess that's the flip side. Me trying (and most likely failing) at an attempt to be more profound than I have any desire, reason, or right to be. But as always, make of it - and me - whatever you will.
P.S. Many of you know that my favorite fiction author is R.A. Salvatore and as cool as he is he got even cooler by releasing another novel (that's starting a new trilogy - sweet!). I have this odd deal where I'll pull quotes from his writing that speak my thoughts or feelings in words I could never put together on my own. The latest addition to my "QuoteBook NoteBook" is something of the following:
"It's one thing to know one's heart. It is another thing to admit it.
It is something altogether different to follow it."
~ R.A. Salvatore
10 months ago